How to Write an Essay
As other university students will be aware, the Christmas and Easter holidays are not real holidays. They are in fact fake holidays where, although you don’t have to attend lectures, you are set an unimaginable amount of work/revision to do just to make sure that you don’t enjoy yourself too much. Having been seeing my friends, doing LOTS of canoeing, going to the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park (good, but not what I was expecting it to be. There’s not much to do unless you’re ready to spend £50 to do it!) and generally lazing around and making a gingerbread house, it dawned on me that the 3000 word essay that I’ve been putting off only has a week till it’s due date. This lead to an almighty panic of ohmygodIneedtoworkrightNOW!!! Although, whenever I sit down to start reading the necessary articles, things always get in the way. Here’s how my days are going at the moment:
9:00am – Wake up, think, “Oh, this is a reasonable time to wake up giving me plenty of time to work. Here’s to a productive day… zzzzzzz…”.
9:30am – Wake up, think, “Ok, it’s alright that you went back to sleep. There’s still lots of time to have a nice breakfast and do lots of work. You have lots of things to do, and if you get up right now, enough time to do them all. Don’t ignore me!! Zzzzzzz…”
10:30am – Wake up, think, “Get up. There’s no excuse now, you promised yourself you would get up early to do work. I don’t care that you stayed up late last night to watch The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2012, it is time to get up. Wait, don’t turn over and shut your eyes again! Alice, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Oh noo… zzzzzzzz…”
11:00am – Wake up, think, “How are you still tired?! You’ve slept for nearly twelve hours now, this is ridiculous. GET UUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!” Reluctantly sit up and remove duvet before going to the loo and getting dressed.
11:15am – Turn on laptop. Quickly check Facebook and emails.
12:00pm – Look at clock, think, “What! How did I just spend 45 minutes doing nothing!” Go downstairs in search of food.
12:30pm – After brunch of toast and cake (what could be better?), head upstairs to do work. Decide to flick through Daily Mail page to catch up on the news.
1:00pm – See a Facebook notification, see you’ve been invited to the pub for New Years celebrations, scrap the blog post you’ve had in mind about being so dedicated to your work that you stay in on New Years to do it, scroll through Twitter.
1:30pm – Open university email to find the link for the next article. Open chocolate orange from stocking, whack (don’t tap), and eat half as a reward for being so productive that you actually have the article up on the screen.
1:45pm – Start to make notes on article.
2:00pm – Go to the toilet. Come back, check Facebook, emails and Twitter; refresh Daily Mail website in case any life changing news has happened in the last hour and a half.
2:45pm – Make some more notes on article.
3:30pm – Consume the rest of the chocolate orange because you’ve done an astounding amount of work today.
3:45pm – Check blog stats, feel guilty about neglecting readers by not posting anything of interest for a long time, decide to write hilarious blog post on procrastination, manage half-funny attempt at hilarious blog post.
4:30pm – Take a nap to try and nurse the stomach ache induced from overdosing on chocolate orange.
5:15pm – Write more notes on article.
6:30pm – Eat tea.
7:30pm – Convince yourself that it’s definitely too late to do anything else productive, watch T.V. and play Mario Kart with Rachel whilst disturbing everyone else by squealing and shouting, “Ah! BAD BOX!”, “Mushroom, MUSHROOM!!”, or “Oh, great – another ghost just leaked on me.” (Phrases you will only understand if you’ve played this game!)
10:30pm – Go upstairs, check Facebook, email and Twitter.
11:00 pm – Head to bed feeling guilty about the amount of work completed, wondering where all the time went and how the university expects you to complete so much work.
Repeat until 2 days before date due, at which point spend every minute of the day tirelessly working on the essay, staying up all night and cursing the fact that the university gave you work that requires you to spend all day and all night EVERY DAY of the holiday to finish it whilst every other living person is having an amazing time enjoying the holidays.
Student life just isn’t fair.